Wednesday - What to do?
Boy oh boy has the last couple of days flown in our household. Monday Gary drove down to see his mam before her forthcoming operation today. So we are on tender hooks now, we have no idea what time her surgery is and whether they will manage to remove all that nasty cancer sitting inside her. The good thing is she is a very fit lady, a golfer who never misses her games and some one that likes to walk for miles. Apart from having this condition she isn't at all under the weather, even the chemotherapy didn't put her off her game over the last 10 weeks. I am sure you will all be sending a healing vibe out to her on my behalf.
On a thought that Mavis reminded me, asbestos has been linked to ovarian cancer. Just shortly after Gary was born his mother had a problem with one ovary and had it removed, I just wonder if it has something to do with asbestos, after all his dad made snowballs with the stuff in the factory he worked in at Hull. I did mention this to Gary but he doesn't want to go there, I can understand this but still it should be pursued, maybe I will try later when her treatment is complete. Not everyone wants to think about asbestos or what it can do. Plus Gary has been through the mill with me over these last 13 or more years.
Monday did fly, Liz arrived and we nattered for quite a while, in fact we didn't do any work together but admired the wonderful work of the back cover Lauren finally sent. It is the book in one drawing! My District Nurse arrived, the only man of the team. He saw such a difference in me since, I haven't seen him for some 3 weeks or more. That is always pleasing when someone notices how well you have recovered from when you thought you were on your way out, and didn't I! I found out that when he was a young boy of 11 he fought non hodgkin's lymphoma stage 4, he was going to write a small booklet for Macmillan about it for other children but never completed it. A little encouragement and maybe it will get done, I hope so. After all, he is a fit young husband with a child, something that seemed an impossible dream when he was young. He had also been away because his son had Chicken Pox and poor guy is a carrier. That is one thing I don't want back, after chemo in 04/05 I was struck down by Chicken Pox, it was awful. I contracted in I think in 06 and I have never felt, ok I have but at the time, so awful! I certainly would not want it back again. I even got the tablets the second day but to no avail.
I did settle down to work, although I now truly hate Microsoft. I have worked mainly on the office computer so I copied my manuscript down to a temp drive and worked on the laptop, different word, I didn't worry because I kept the word format as 2003, but no, it changed the whole document! I found my typing errors to where I have got to again and have reloaded back onto the main computer. Now I have to reformat the whole book again. Annoying, because of speech marks and indents etc! Why do I do these things. Maybe I should start watching YouTube to see what thee stupid styling theme's really do mean!
Gary was home before I seemed to have turned around, although I was pleased he hadn't driven up the A1M in the dark, I hate that stretch of road with a passion. When I drove it a lot by the time I reached Scotch Corner my eyes would think 'Yes nearly home I'll be able to shut them soon!' funny how a stretch of road can suddenly make you tired.
My chemo is finally scheduled for tomorrow, but my cold seems to have come back this morning. The steroids are making me eat constantly but am afraid of the junk I am constantly putting into my mouth, it's crisps - as I'm craving salt, then some M&M's for the peanut and chocolate together, then some liquorice. Then dinner, 5 Yorkshire puddings again last night laced in salt! What is wrong with me. My stomach is hurting because it hasn't had so much inside all at once and I had a few kidney twinges last night, probably from all the salt! I have told Gary to remove all crisps away from me, but this morning my hand as already been inside a bag of Doritos for the salty taste!
I am worried about tomorrow I can not lie, just because its a tablet my mind is treating the whole thing differently. If I was having it infused tomorrow already my hands would be shaking thinking about the needle going in, as it is my mind is thinking its a little tablet and probably won't do much. I know from the community a couple of warriors are on this treatment and seem to be fairing well, no not eating or stomach erupting so hopefully this will kill back the meso and still give me a quality of life through the treatment.
I did do some office work again yesterday, I felt the adrenalin start to beat in my heart again when I was working, so maybe the knackers yard is a long way away, or is it a lull before the storm. I did a couple of hours but I did get tired. Sunday and Monday I felt like a new person, full of life and energy, why do those days come and go so fast?
I am hoping the wind stays down today as Christine has offered to take me to healing, it would be nice to go just before Chemo, not only to have some healing but also to catch up with my friends there. It's been months since I last attended and although they are thinking of me it is never the same as a proper natter is it. So if you have the wind please keep it your way at least until 2.30 so I can go!
Lou Williams is an Australian warrior, and please I hope you will read this which was published yesterday on line. I have known her for a couple of years now and found out more about her work in this one article than in all the time I have known her. It puts me to shame that my voice hasn't been used to the best of its ability. Yes I have been to parliament and dropped off a petition, I have spoken at some conferences and action days but to push this when not in good health like she has amazed and humbled me.
Read here
So today is my last day of free chemo days, Gary has already set about leaving hand sprays everywhere, quarantine starts tomorrow when we get back. I just hope we both finally get over this cold, we seem to be passing it back and forth!
This will be no 4 Christmas periods I have endured chemo, ok last year it stopped end of November but I still had a few side effects, my body has never forgotten what the original chemo did to my insides, I hope this year I do get more into the Christmas spirit! God knows Gary tries his best to ensure we always have a good Christmas. My first Christmas in 2004 we went to my brothers, I was itchy from head down, my body hurt, my stomach was painful and I just wanted to be home. I couldn't because my brother wanted to ensure if it was my last one we were together as a family. It was hard trying to be well when all you want to do is lie down. Then a couple of days later we had planned to cook a meal for his parents, my parents and an Aunt and Uncle. Needless to say I didn't see that day, I put the Turkey in the night before, got up and put the pork in then that was me. He woke me to say dinner was ready, yes he had managed a full Christmas Dinner on his own, even 8 veg were cooked together with the meats, sausage meat, bread dressing, bacon wrapped sausages, roast parsnips and potatoes. I felt so proud of him but so guilty that he had had to do it. I ate such a small amount, my Aunt and Uncle didn't come, in fact I'm not sure whether my parents arrived either? My memory is terrible.
I just hope this year isn't my last and we do make it a Christmas full of memories again. That's the problem with chemo, when is the best time of the year to have it, none really. In the summer the summer is wasted because you are too ill to want to be outside and enjoy the beautiful (ok English rain) summer, Autumn it's getting wet, winter its down right miserable and Spring, maybe Spring is good because we are coming back to life. But still, chemo takes it out of you, or most of us anyway.
Enough of me griping on, lets cherish today and still plan for tomorrow - life may not be everything we wanted at this moment in time but to have love, friendship and a sense of being is more important than just taking every day for granted. Maybe I should remind myself that on a daily basis!
Lastly my thoughts go out to all those people in the Philippines, we can never imagine such a tragedy here or understand what it is like. We were worried about a couple of our friends families and were so happy to hear they were fine. Mother Nature is taking a beating and unfortunately the low lying lands get the brunt of her power. Thank God for all those who work and give up time to rescue, although looking at this wonderful nation of people, they work together, something I fear that would never happen if that happened here. In the UK we have become every man for himself, what happened to helping someone else first?
